I have many blog entries I have started an never finished. I have decided that even though none of it makes sense I am going to post them here all at one time because individually there isn’t enough for a full post.
1. From March 9th
Grief is a funny thing. I remember when my mother first passed away wondering if I would ever look back on her memory and smile. Prayed for the day that I could laugh at memories and not burst into tears at the mere thought of her. Little by little, those rays of joy slowly worked their way into my consciousness. It took at least a year before the tears began to subside and laughter began to emerge. There is so much truth in that saying that time heals all wounds. The scar will be there. Like a mark on my life but I can now look at it and smile – most of the time.
Much like an amputee that can still feel the limb that has long been removed, I can feel my mother’s presence all the time and it isn’t nearly as painful as it was two years ago. I get signs every so often that she is with me. I recognize them and smile… those close to me that knew her well often ask if she has been around and there is always something to tell that makes us all laugh. She didn’t make her presence known on her birthday but, as she was always late anyway, she gave me a sign the day after. Here is what happened…
My son does not like riding the bus to after school care. It is over an hour as he is the last stop and he just doesn’t like to ride the bus that long. He has nothing to do for that hour and he is bored. He has been nagging me about wanting to be in carpool and not have to ride the bus. Yesterday he took matters into his own hands. Before we left home he hand wrote his own note:
“Please send Sammy to Carpool today”
Handed it to me and told me to sign it. Like they would believe it.
2. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Maybe that is why I am having difficulty writing lately. I have nothing nice to say… about anything. I feel guilty boring everyone with my rants and bitching about this and that. So I don’t write at all. Not a good plan.
It is very easy to sit here in front of my computer and just piss, moan, bitch and complain about anything and everything. It takes too much effort to write something upbeat, encouraging and optimistic. And I don’t have a whole lot of energy to spare anyway.
But here is the kicker… my marriage, home life, children, friends and work are all fine. Suffice it to say I am a little cranky about things here and there but overall I have nothing to complain about. So why is the glass half empty?
Are my Chakras out of wack? Do I need to do some kind of cleanse to rid myself of the obvious toxins I am holding inside? Do I have a vitamin deficiency? Do I need medication ? Jury is still out…
3. The Lord helps those who help themselves.
How many times have I heard this? I will tell you how many… so many that I thought it was actually a quoted scripture. Yes… we learn something new every day and today I realized, even though I had many years of religious education, this is not an actual verse out of the Bible. Damn – I am a moron
4. I am a stickler for reading the book before seeing the movie. I bought The Martian because I love a space movie… OMG I couldn’t put that book down. I should have made NASA my career. DANG. I would have been a great NASA genius.
5. Just for the record… tastes and smells change through life. I bought a bottle of (what I thought was) my all time favorite perfume… sprayed it on for the first time today and it has made me physically sick on my stomach… damn… that is an expensive dresser ornament.
6. It dawned on me as I was watching Steel Magnolias last night that my best friend and I could easily play the parts of Ouiser and Clairee. When I texted her this was her response…. “ I know. You Bitch” … there you have it… confirmation.
8. When I was 30 I thought I knew what love was.
Then I had a child.
When I was 40 I thought I knew what love was.
Then I had another child.
When I was 46 I realized I had no idea what the idea of love was… because to love you need to lose. I had never lost someone I loved deeply. And how can you know the depth of your ability to love unless you know the depth of sorrow when that person is gone.
When I lost my mother it was a devastating blow I never saw coming. But it taught me one thing above all else. I know my personal love gauge now and I am more in touch with how I feel about someone now because I have something to measure it against.
Now that I have established this mental love meter I look at the world a little differently. I look at the people I love in my life differently.
I treasure them more. And I tell them.
