Things I Cried over ( or almost cried over) October 2014

1-      Molar extraction – just couldn’t save that damn thing so out it goes. Not that I would have spent $2500 to save it anyway. However, the subsequent days of pain and misery were helped somewhat by Vicodin, and an OD of Advil. Of course the requisite antibiotic was given to prevent infection… which only caused another issue. Come on girls… antibiotics… sad sad times. I have to say between the antibiotic side effects and the actual misery from the tooth I was cranky and crabby for at least 8 days. I will not do that again.

2-      This month was my 46^th birthday. I will say that my wonderful husband loves to do a party for my birthday and I think half the reason is because it is in October. 46 was a hard birthday to accept. Mainly because my mother wasn’t here to forget it, which she did most of the time. It has been 6 months now. I wear her rings every day and honestly I look forward to the day that I can think of her and not cry.

3-     I have zero energy. It is just that time of year for me that is physically draining. It is the change of seasons and the toll it takes on my sinuses, the time change which will take me at least a week to adjust to and the fact that I turned on the heat. Those of you that have LP gas know why turning it on makes me cry. It makes my wallet cry, it makes my bank account cry because staying warm costs so much more than staying cool.

4-     I haven’t had a decent thing to read since mid summer. Hence my tears of joy on October 28^th when Anne Rice released Prince Lestat. Thank GOD!

5-     My baby has actually started READING. A month in kindergarten and he is reading. I was helping with some of his homework the other night and he was reading right through a book with little to no help. That was a happy cry… because one day he and I are going to go to Barnes and Noble and spend a lot of his daddy’s money.

6-     Another happy few glistening moments was when I was on the way home from Washington DC with a bus of WWII veterans last week. We stopped at the state line to pick up our escort… 100+ patriot riders brought us home from the NC/VA state line. These old guys, as well as myself couldn’t believe the number of people that turned out for them. These guys came home from saving the world and went straight to work building a great country. They deserved this.

7-     Holidays are coming… I dread them… would like to skip over all of them and go ahead with a new year. My mother was not a big gift giving  person but she did love to have good food and family over or come to my house and bring her gravy that only she could make. Food was her big thing … presents were not a big thing but we have Larry to take care of the presents… thank god! It will be odd and I will feel like there is a gaping hole where she should be, but just another day to get through… and we keep moving forward.

I Read a Blog Today....

I read a blog today… the Matt Walsh Blog. He was talking about “dying with dignity” and the well publicized decision of a young woman that has chosen this path after her terminal brain cancer diagnosis.

In one way he had a point. What is dignified about suicide? And choosing to die with dignity because of a cancer diagnosis... what does that say about the millions with terminal illnesses that fought until their last breath to live… did they not die with dignity? I feel like the publicity over this woman and her decision is all wrong. I don’t deny her the right to choose the path she has chosen. I do however, resent the fact that it is being glorified by the media. That should be something between her and her family.

Now she has chosen her “death date” of November 1^st. She chose that date because her husband’s birthday is October 30^th. She has chosen to take her euthanasia pills with her family present, music she likes, in her bedroom she shares with her husband, in their bed. I hope the pills they have given her are potent. I have watched people die and even if the mind is gone the body will instinctively fight to live. If the heart and lungs are strong they will keep beating and breathing until they just wear out. Unless it is instant I don’t see anything dignified in the dying process.

Don’t get me wrong, I admire this woman’s courage and her decision to avoid the worst scenarios for her family as she slowly succumbs to her terminal illness and at some point becomes a full time painful and emotionally draining care giving job for her family, all the while they are witnessing her slow and painful death. Because it is her mind that will be affected, she could end up unknowingly hurting the people she loves the most. I understand the worst case scenarios and I understand the difficult decision she has made.

Because this has been covered so extensively by the media, this “dying with dignity” is permeating all levels of society- including the most influential and emotional – teenagers. My 13 year old has asked me about it and I have told her exactly what I have written here. This decision is not an easy one and not to be taken lightly. She actually asked me if it was suicide. And I was honest when I said – technically yes… it is. Her immediate reply was exactly what I expected her to say “does that mean she can’t be forgiven and she will go to hell?”

I was stumped… all I could say was “Honey, that is between her and her God and it is not my place to judge her decision because of her extenuating circumstances” What else could I say?

Winds of Change

Do you ever feel like you are teetering on the precipice of a big change in your life? You know something is out there waiting for you but you either aren't ready yet or it isn't ready for you. But it is hanging out there … waiting for the right time to present itself.

I have had this same feeling in the past – a preamble to a change of life’s gears. As we shift and keep moving forward we adjust our speed for the ups, downs and hairpin curves that are on this road we all travel. Sometimes we run off the road but if we have enough experience we know how to avoid the problems of over correction and manage to ease back with care and continue. There are potholes, speed bumps and rumble strips along the way and all the while we are chugging along we adapt to these changes knowing the road ahead will be better, we just have to get through the rough spots.

The best feeling is when you are cruising on a freshly paved stretch of road, feels kind of like flying.

Change is usually like a fork in the road. You have to choose to accept the change or not.

That is the blessing of free will. We all have a choice. For me, I have to take so many factors into consideration when faced with a change. Husband, children, schedules, financial obligations and ultimately will this change be a positive change for all of us, because it will affect all of us. Sometimes I have to choose to stay the course because the change would be too much for everyone, so I stay in my comfortable nook and wait for another one to come along.

Some big changes went down in my life this year and 2015 is looking better to me every day. Obstacles and hurdles have been conquered and the scars are fading from the battles fought. I have a birthday very soon and although it isn’t a milestone birthday it is a starting point for me. I have set some goals for myself in 2015, small and large.

Don’t worry, I will take everyone along on the ride, cause its going to be a good one.

It is time.

October is Looking Better than September

With the exception of the usual interaction with stupidity I have to endure on a daily basis, if October 1^st is any indication of what I can expect, things are looking better than the entire month of September combined.

First of all, I did the little happy dance this morning because I was able to get my wedding rings back on my water retaining fat fingers. They are on… and my finger isn’t red like it is going to fall off from cutting off the circulation. Happy Happy Happy. That is supposed to be my thin hand too.  I have moved my mother’s rings that I had been wearing because they were slightly bigger over to what should be my fat hand.

Next, the boy went to kindergarten this morning in blue jeans. I did give him a t-shirt so he didn’t overheat since it is supposed to be 80 today. He was happy, so everyone was happy. No rules broken this morning. (Rule #1 is always… don’t piss off the baby).

Arrived at work 5 minutes early. Not so much a miracle as it used to be before I started  kindergarten carpool at 745AM. But still.. Ill take it. 

AND FINALLY!!!!

The husband and I have discussed the need for not only one honorable replacement for OJ the Alpha Kitty, but two. Fortunately for me, where I work there are 3 warehouses and we always have stray cats. Most are feral and crazy wild but there is one kitty that the warehouse boys have been working on taming. This is going to be a beautiful long haired gray cat and she or he is going to my house today. Now I need one more….