Monday Musings... Even Though it is Tuesday

I have many blog entries I have started an never finished. I have decided that even though none of it makes sense I am going to post them here all at one time because individually there isn’t enough for a full post.

1. From March 9th 

Grief is a funny thing. I remember when my mother first passed away wondering if I would ever look back on her memory and smile. Prayed for the day that I could laugh at memories and not burst into tears at the mere thought of her. Little by little, those rays of joy slowly worked their way into my consciousness. It took at least a year before the tears began to subside and laughter began to emerge. There is so much truth in that saying that time heals all wounds. The scar will be there. Like a mark on my life but I can now look at it and smile – most of the time. 

Much like an amputee that can still feel the limb that has long been removed, I can feel my mother’s presence all the time and it isn’t nearly as painful as it was two years ago. I get signs every so often that she is with me. I recognize them and smile… those close to me that knew her well often ask if she has been around and there is always something to tell that makes us all laugh. She didn’t make her presence known on her birthday but, as she was always late anyway, she gave me a sign the day after. Here is what happened…

My son does not like riding the bus to after school care. It is over an hour as he is the last stop and he just doesn’t like to ride the bus that long. He has nothing to do for that hour and he is bored. He has been nagging me about wanting to be in carpool and not have to ride the bus. Yesterday he took matters into his own hands. Before we left home he hand wrote his own note:

“Please send Sammy to Carpool today” 

Handed it to me and told me to sign it. Like they would believe it.

2. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Maybe that is why I am having difficulty writing lately. I have nothing nice to say… about anything. I feel guilty boring everyone with my rants and bitching about this and that. So I don’t write at all. Not a good plan. 

It is very easy to sit here in front of my computer and just piss, moan, bitch and complain about anything and everything. It takes too much effort to write something upbeat, encouraging and optimistic. And I don’t have a whole lot of energy to spare anyway.

But here is the kicker… my marriage, home life, children, friends and work are all fine.  Suffice it to say I am a little cranky about things here and there but overall I have nothing to complain about. So why is the glass half empty? 

Are my Chakras out of wack? Do I need to do some kind of cleanse to rid myself of the obvious toxins I am holding inside? Do I have a vitamin deficiency?  Do I need medication ? Jury is still out…

3. The Lord helps those who help themselves. 

How many times have I heard this? I will tell you how many… so many that I thought it was actually a quoted scripture. Yes… we learn something new every day and today I realized, even though I had many years of religious education, this is not an actual verse out of the Bible. Damn – I am a moron 

4. I am a stickler for reading the book before seeing the movie. I bought  The Martian because I love a space movie… OMG I couldn’t put that book down. I should have made NASA my career. DANG. I would have been a great NASA genius. 

5. Just for the record… tastes and smells change through life. I bought a bottle of (what I thought was) my all time favorite perfume… sprayed it on for the first time today and it has made me physically sick on my stomach… damn… that is an expensive dresser ornament. 

6. It dawned on me as I was watching Steel Magnolias last night that my best friend and I could easily play the parts of Ouiser and Clairee. When I texted her this was her response…. “ I know. You Bitch” … there you have it… confirmation.

7. People that ride bicycles and don’t know the rules of the road. They used to teach that in school… like the 3rd or 4th grade… apparently they don’t anymore because these people I encounter on bicycles are just riding anywhere they want. I drive a suburban and it makes me nuts to see someone heading towards me on a bicycle. And it never fails that I will say something ugly every time someone is on the wrong side of the road. 

8. When I was 30 I thought I knew what love was. 

Then I had a child.

When I was 40 I thought I knew what love was.

Then I had another child.

When I was 46 I realized I had no idea what the idea of love was… because to love you need to lose. I had never lost someone I loved deeply. And how can you know the depth of your ability to love unless you know the depth of sorrow when that person is gone. 

When I lost my mother it was a devastating blow I never saw coming.  But it taught me one thing above all else. I know my personal love gauge now and I am more in touch with how I feel about someone now because I have something to measure it against. 

Now that I have established this mental love meter I look at the world a little differently. I look at the people I love in my life differently. 

I treasure them more. And I tell them.

Incredibly Sad

Whoopi said it all when she said  "this is what it sounds like when doves cry".
I haven't written in a while but this moved me to such sadness.
We will be finding unheard prince music in that studio/home of his for decades. That was his genius...channeled into his music.

Until that day .... when we see you in the purple rain....

Hot Mess vs. Hot Garbage

There is a difference you know.

Being a hot mess is totally different than being hot garbage. At least a hot mess can be improved upon whereas hot garbage is just that… dressed up garbage.

For example: The Kardashians are hot garbage. No doubt about it. And 75% of the time it has nothing to do with how they look. It is the whole package. The trailer park drama and the BS factor make them dumpster worthy. No amount of makeup, lip fillers, waist training or money will change the fact that they are attention starved fame gamers. It has made them rich, drove them all crazy and God love her, the sanest one of the bunch who was once a man has decided he would rather be a woman.  Hot Garbage… can’t fix it.

 Now, a hot mess, I think maybe the best example of a hot mess I can think of is possibly Paris Hilton. Now you know that girl was raised better than she has acted in the past. She has had the best of everything but consistently acted spoiled and entitled. Because she is a hot mess she has outgrown her wild childishness and now acts like she has some sense. A hot mess can always be rehabilitated…. Hot garbage can only be hauled to the dump.

So, the moral to the story is: if you must be one … be the hot mess… you can always just say you were young and dumb. You can look back on your time as a hot mess and laugh, joke and smile. If you choose to be hot garbage you can look back and do the same but more than likely you will be sitting on top of the trash pile at the local landfill while doing so.

                                   

Resolutions... 2016 Version

Ok – here it is… the New Year Resolution post… I have already written about writing more and being more active on my blog but here are a few more.

1-      Read more – I love to read. But I am torn… between the convenience of an ebook and the love of a real book. I love turning pages. I love the FEEL of a book in my hands. It makes me feel smart. Holding a device and turning digital pages is not the same to me and I think it makes me look like everyone else in the world looking at their phone or tablet. Holding a real book in my hands gives me the opportunity to imagine climbing into the world I am reading about and living the story. I don’t get that same feeling from an ebook. So I am going to read more REAL books.

2-     Appreciate more – I need to appreciate the little things more. The baby steps in this life that add up to the big steps and monumental memories are the ones I want to notice and appreciate more. The dusting can wait. The dishes can wait. When you have the opportunity to spend precious time with someone you love …the little chores can wait.

3-     Save more – Lord have mercy… I am a spender not a saver. I need to save more. I have started collecting all the change laying around the house and have about two mason jars now. I will also start putting away more out of my paycheck each week… if I never see it in there I won’t miss it. A little adds up to a lot over time.

4-     Love more - When I was 30 I thought I knew what love was. Then I had a child. When I was 40 I thought I knew what love was. Then I had another child. When I was 46 I realized I had no idea what the idea of love was… because to love you need to lose. I had never lost someone I loved deeply. And how can you know the depth of your ability to love unless you know the depth of sorrow when that person is gone.  When I lost my mother it was a devastating blow I never saw coming.  But it taught me one thing above all else. I know my personal love gauge now and I am more in touch with how I feel about someone now because I have something to measure it against. Now that I have established this mental love meter I look at the world a little differently. I look at the people I love in my life differently. I treasure them more. And I tell them.

5-     Lose more – Weight that is… 40 pounds gone over a years time. It came off slowly which is good. Now I need to keep it going. There is a pair of pants hanging in my closet…come on… we all have that pair. The goal pants. The pants we wore when we felt we looked our personal best. I have had these pants for 16 years. When I became pregnant with my first child they were hung in the closet. They are still on that same hangar. Sad but true. I will get there one day. And if I don’t do anything but put them on one time and then donate them that is ok.

6-     Try more -  Instead of saying “it is what it is” maybe trying a bit harder and it be “it could be what it could be” . Putting forth that little bit of extra effort and see if that improves some of the situations I would normally cast aside as circumstances beyond my control. Maybe things would turn out differently for everyone with just a bit of positive input.

That is my first list. I am sure there will be another list. And another list. This is going to be an interesting year!!