Back to the Business of My Business

Every day I think to myself – I need to write something today… and then I don’t.  I have so much and so little to write about. I second guess just about everything that comes across my mind to write about. And then I don’t write. And before I know it a week has passed and I haven’t written a single word. Then a month… and longer…

 I don’t think it is the lack of subject matter, Lord knows I have plenty I can talk about. I think I second guess what anyone reading my blog might find interesting, amusing, enlightening or entertaining. I think of something at least once a day and then I start analyzing it… how much can I write about this, would anyone be interested or even care? I have a standard of at least being able to fill one page in word with any particular posting. If I can’t do that then what I have to say can’t be that important or interesting.

I need to get over that.

I try not to write about anything personal, political, job or family related. So many things are off limits that I have boxed myself in a hole of only a handful of things I can actually write about that won’t offend or hurt someone’s feelings. And that is unfair… to me. It limits me and so much of what I have to say comes from my every day life that excluding those subjects practically makes me verbally impotent.

Here it is and the new year is right around the corner. I already have a resolution.

Write… just write. Regardless of whether or not anyone reads it… just write. Regardless of whether anyone is offended, disagrees or finds it a waste of time… just write.

            

It is my own personal form of therapy. Sometimes it will be rage work… venting about what has really gotten under my skin. Other times it will be funny or inspirational and uplifting. But I will be writing … a lot and often… because it is who I am and why should I deny the world a piece of my mind on a daily basis?

Piss, Moan and Complain

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Maybe that is why I am having difficulty writing lately. I have nothing nice to say… about anything. I feel guilty boring everyone with my rants and bitching about this and that. So I don’t write at all. Not a good plan.

It is very easy to sit here in front of my computer and just piss, moan, bitch and complain about anything and everything. It takes too much effort to write something upbeat, encouraging and optimistic. And I don’t have a whole lot of energy to spare anyway.

But here is the kicker… my marriage, home life, children, friends and work are all fine.  Suffice it to say I am a little cranky about things here and there but overall I have nothing to complain about. So why is the glass half empty?

Are my Chakras out of wack?

Do I need to do some kind of cleanse to rid myself of the obvious toxins I am holding inside? 

Do I have a vitamin deficiency?  Do I need medication ?

The media doesn’t help. I hate election time and now the crap slinging starts earlier and earlier… as far as I am concerned we just need to vote for the lesser of all evils and pray for the best. From what I see it is a no win situation and we are in the crapper no matter who gets elected. It would take more than 4 years to undo anything from a previous president… regardless of affiliation. SO what can be done??? The choices so far suck. All the reality show drama worshipers are on the Trump wagon for that very reason – drama. No thanks. Hilary? Hell no, trust issues. Still unsure about the others.

And then there is this stink about the Clerk of Court in Rowan County Kentucky. If she feels that strong then she should have asked to be transferred to another same level job. I don’t care what the law is… the law is the law and she is an elected official entrusted by the people of that county to follow the law. For example… if you go to CVS and buy a bottle of wine, and the girl checking you out has a head scarf on (she is probably muslim) she will get someone else to check you out because you are buying wine and it is against her religious beliefs. I have NO problem with that. Don’t deny me my right to purchase the wine just because it is against your religion. Someone else walks up and completes the transaction… everyone is happy. She didn’t compromise her beliefs (which I would not want her to do) and I got my wine (which is most important) . Same thing in Kentucky. Let someone else’s name be on the marriage licenses. Why does it have to be hers? What I am trying to say, without getting too cranky, is that there is always a compromise that can be made and everyone is happy. Besides… she looks like a nun I used to have as a 4th grade teacher and I bet close up she has a mustache… like Sister Daniel.  And she would just as soon beat the hell out of you with her giant bible, probably misquoting scripture the entire time, and then sit on her saintly throne and pass judgment on everyone. Aren't we supposed to love not judge??? I mean ... (if it is a sin)... in the grand scheme of sinning... where does it rank? Is being gay right up there with being Charles Manson or Ted Bundy? I wouldn't think so.

I am a libra… a peacemaker… why can’t everyone just get along? I promise to do what I can to start writing about unicorns, care bears, rainbows and sunshine. But apparently not today… maybe tomorrow…

Hurting People Hurt People

You know… I had a hard lesson this morning that just reaffirmed this to me – again.

But this time I was the hurt person that hurt someone else. Not intentionally but really just by accident.

I have a “go to” friend that will let me vent and bitch about things and people that she barely knows but she will let me bitch about stupid stuff and I do the same for her. It is kind of our way of dealing with the world around us without taking out on people that done deserve it. This morning I sent her an email about a coworker of mine… BUT… accidentally sent it to the coworker. I was in a bad mood… and had a terrible week last week, weekend was ok but not a lot better, didn’t sleep much, battling a major sinus infection and have a splitting headache to where my eyes hurt. Bless her heart she was chatty about her wonderful weekend and all the cute things her baby started doing, and I emailed my friend (who doesn’t work with me) that this person’s happy babbling was getting on my last nerve. Somehow my email went to her and not my friend.

Great.  I wasn’t being ugly about her happiness… she deserves to be happy and have the little joys of baby milestones. I just am not the happy sounding board today. I wish I had some little things like that to be happy about. In the last year not only have I buried my own mother but two weeks ago I buried my husband’s mother. I have used most of my vacation time and personal time this year – and last year- for sick kids or dying parents. I have a teenager starting high school and feel like I am physically falling apart.

So, here is my point… hurting people hurt people. I lashed out at the only person around me that was actually happy today. What does that make me? Mean… it makes me mean.

I don’t like to be mean. Mean people suck. 

Every day I am hit with a barrage of negativity. First thing in the morning…usually the last thing I hear before I go to bed is something negative. And it is turning me into a negative person from the inside. It takes its toll on me over time and I begin to thing negatively, talk negatively and act negatively. I physically hurt, I mentally hurt, and with everything that has happened in the last year I am struggling to breathe… But that doesn’t give me the right to say anything negative about anyone else. Even if I don’t intend to hurt someone else somehow it happens… and what do you do? Do what I did… Own it…apologize, tell them it wasn’t really about them, and hope they understand and move on. She may not talk to me any more this year but I guess I deserve that. 

Clearing the Fog

Why is there a fear of the past?

You lived it…

You survived it…

So – Learn from it.

Own it – because it is part of what made you who you are!

Then… you can tell your story as only you can tell it.  Enlighten the world and make it a better place. In freeing yourself you end up giving others the courage to take that first step, own their past and begin living in the present and for their future.

So many people are walking around in the fog of their past. Not living in the present because the past is so heavy on their shoulders. Cast it off! Be done with it because your past does not control you! Do not allow anything negative that has happened to you dictate who you are! Your life is YOURS… walk in the glory of who you are!! You are a one of a kind, unique creation of God! 

My husband keeps our house on 69 degrees in the summertime. When I walk outside my sunglasses immediately get foggy because of the temperature and humidity change. It is so bad I have to take them off and let them warm up and clear them before I can see! This is what I think living in the pain of the past must be like… walking  out of the cold dark house into the sunshine and not being able to see! In order to walk and move forward I have to clean my lenses!

The beauty of the world is all around us. When you free your soul from hell and torment you will be able to see and appreciate all the beauty surrounding you. From the lady bug in the grass to a magnificent sunset, you will see things much clearer and with a new appreciation for life.

So, here is to walking into the sunshine, cleaning the lenses of our soul so we can appreciate what is in front of us and move forward.