Back to the Business of My Business

Every day I think to myself – I need to write something today… and then I don’t.  I have so much and so little to write about. I second guess just about everything that comes across my mind to write about. And then I don’t write. And before I know it a week has passed and I haven’t written a single word. Then a month… and longer…

 I don’t think it is the lack of subject matter, Lord knows I have plenty I can talk about. I think I second guess what anyone reading my blog might find interesting, amusing, enlightening or entertaining. I think of something at least once a day and then I start analyzing it… how much can I write about this, would anyone be interested or even care? I have a standard of at least being able to fill one page in word with any particular posting. If I can’t do that then what I have to say can’t be that important or interesting.

I need to get over that.

I try not to write about anything personal, political, job or family related. So many things are off limits that I have boxed myself in a hole of only a handful of things I can actually write about that won’t offend or hurt someone’s feelings. And that is unfair… to me. It limits me and so much of what I have to say comes from my every day life that excluding those subjects practically makes me verbally impotent.

Here it is and the new year is right around the corner. I already have a resolution.

Write… just write. Regardless of whether or not anyone reads it… just write. Regardless of whether anyone is offended, disagrees or finds it a waste of time… just write.

            

It is my own personal form of therapy. Sometimes it will be rage work… venting about what has really gotten under my skin. Other times it will be funny or inspirational and uplifting. But I will be writing … a lot and often… because it is who I am and why should I deny the world a piece of my mind on a daily basis?

Piss, Moan and Complain

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Maybe that is why I am having difficulty writing lately. I have nothing nice to say… about anything. I feel guilty boring everyone with my rants and bitching about this and that. So I don’t write at all. Not a good plan.

It is very easy to sit here in front of my computer and just piss, moan, bitch and complain about anything and everything. It takes too much effort to write something upbeat, encouraging and optimistic. And I don’t have a whole lot of energy to spare anyway.

But here is the kicker… my marriage, home life, children, friends and work are all fine.  Suffice it to say I am a little cranky about things here and there but overall I have nothing to complain about. So why is the glass half empty?

Are my Chakras out of wack?

Do I need to do some kind of cleanse to rid myself of the obvious toxins I am holding inside? 

Do I have a vitamin deficiency?  Do I need medication ?

The media doesn’t help. I hate election time and now the crap slinging starts earlier and earlier… as far as I am concerned we just need to vote for the lesser of all evils and pray for the best. From what I see it is a no win situation and we are in the crapper no matter who gets elected. It would take more than 4 years to undo anything from a previous president… regardless of affiliation. SO what can be done??? The choices so far suck. All the reality show drama worshipers are on the Trump wagon for that very reason – drama. No thanks. Hilary? Hell no, trust issues. Still unsure about the others.

And then there is this stink about the Clerk of Court in Rowan County Kentucky. If she feels that strong then she should have asked to be transferred to another same level job. I don’t care what the law is… the law is the law and she is an elected official entrusted by the people of that county to follow the law. For example… if you go to CVS and buy a bottle of wine, and the girl checking you out has a head scarf on (she is probably muslim) she will get someone else to check you out because you are buying wine and it is against her religious beliefs. I have NO problem with that. Don’t deny me my right to purchase the wine just because it is against your religion. Someone else walks up and completes the transaction… everyone is happy. She didn’t compromise her beliefs (which I would not want her to do) and I got my wine (which is most important) . Same thing in Kentucky. Let someone else’s name be on the marriage licenses. Why does it have to be hers? What I am trying to say, without getting too cranky, is that there is always a compromise that can be made and everyone is happy. Besides… she looks like a nun I used to have as a 4th grade teacher and I bet close up she has a mustache… like Sister Daniel.  And she would just as soon beat the hell out of you with her giant bible, probably misquoting scripture the entire time, and then sit on her saintly throne and pass judgment on everyone. Aren't we supposed to love not judge??? I mean ... (if it is a sin)... in the grand scheme of sinning... where does it rank? Is being gay right up there with being Charles Manson or Ted Bundy? I wouldn't think so.

I am a libra… a peacemaker… why can’t everyone just get along? I promise to do what I can to start writing about unicorns, care bears, rainbows and sunshine. But apparently not today… maybe tomorrow…

Hurting People Hurt People

You know… I had a hard lesson this morning that just reaffirmed this to me – again.

But this time I was the hurt person that hurt someone else. Not intentionally but really just by accident.

I have a “go to” friend that will let me vent and bitch about things and people that she barely knows but she will let me bitch about stupid stuff and I do the same for her. It is kind of our way of dealing with the world around us without taking out on people that done deserve it. This morning I sent her an email about a coworker of mine… BUT… accidentally sent it to the coworker. I was in a bad mood… and had a terrible week last week, weekend was ok but not a lot better, didn’t sleep much, battling a major sinus infection and have a splitting headache to where my eyes hurt. Bless her heart she was chatty about her wonderful weekend and all the cute things her baby started doing, and I emailed my friend (who doesn’t work with me) that this person’s happy babbling was getting on my last nerve. Somehow my email went to her and not my friend.

Great.  I wasn’t being ugly about her happiness… she deserves to be happy and have the little joys of baby milestones. I just am not the happy sounding board today. I wish I had some little things like that to be happy about. In the last year not only have I buried my own mother but two weeks ago I buried my husband’s mother. I have used most of my vacation time and personal time this year – and last year- for sick kids or dying parents. I have a teenager starting high school and feel like I am physically falling apart.

So, here is my point… hurting people hurt people. I lashed out at the only person around me that was actually happy today. What does that make me? Mean… it makes me mean.

I don’t like to be mean. Mean people suck. 

Every day I am hit with a barrage of negativity. First thing in the morning…usually the last thing I hear before I go to bed is something negative. And it is turning me into a negative person from the inside. It takes its toll on me over time and I begin to thing negatively, talk negatively and act negatively. I physically hurt, I mentally hurt, and with everything that has happened in the last year I am struggling to breathe… But that doesn’t give me the right to say anything negative about anyone else. Even if I don’t intend to hurt someone else somehow it happens… and what do you do? Do what I did… Own it…apologize, tell them it wasn’t really about them, and hope they understand and move on. She may not talk to me any more this year but I guess I deserve that. 

Clearing the Fog

Why is there a fear of the past?

You lived it…

You survived it…

So – Learn from it.

Own it – because it is part of what made you who you are!

Then… you can tell your story as only you can tell it.  Enlighten the world and make it a better place. In freeing yourself you end up giving others the courage to take that first step, own their past and begin living in the present and for their future.

So many people are walking around in the fog of their past. Not living in the present because the past is so heavy on their shoulders. Cast it off! Be done with it because your past does not control you! Do not allow anything negative that has happened to you dictate who you are! Your life is YOURS… walk in the glory of who you are!! You are a one of a kind, unique creation of God! 

My husband keeps our house on 69 degrees in the summertime. When I walk outside my sunglasses immediately get foggy because of the temperature and humidity change. It is so bad I have to take them off and let them warm up and clear them before I can see! This is what I think living in the pain of the past must be like… walking  out of the cold dark house into the sunshine and not being able to see! In order to walk and move forward I have to clean my lenses!

The beauty of the world is all around us. When you free your soul from hell and torment you will be able to see and appreciate all the beauty surrounding you. From the lady bug in the grass to a magnificent sunset, you will see things much clearer and with a new appreciation for life.

So, here is to walking into the sunshine, cleaning the lenses of our soul so we can appreciate what is in front of us and move forward. 

Hurt

I read a friend’s blog today and she had one sentence that literally jumped out and figuratively slapped me across the room.

Hurting people hurt people.

So simple… yet says so much! How true is this statement???

Just reading this sentence boggles my mind. I think about the initial hurt, the hurt that is inflicted on someone else because of that initial hurt… and the snowball effect it has on an infinite number of people. How one hurts ripple can affect so many and what it takes to break that cycle.

 

Be mindful of your words. And sometimes it isn’t what you say but how you say it- so be mindful of your tone as well. What may not seem hurtful to you may be received as hurtful by someone else… and the ripple begins.   

It doesn’t cost anything to be kind.

Mental Draino

You know, ….  I don’t know.

A friend of mine has been battling anxiety, depression and a whole plethora of other things that she finally found out , almost by accident, was due to an over active thyroid.

I wish it was that simple for me. My mind is very heavy these days. Not exactly sure why. It’s almost as if there is so much in there that it feels like a clogged drain. No flow out, just stopped up. I need some draino.

What exactly is the psychological form of draino? I always thought if I could journal everything I would feel better but it appears that I have started something I can’t keep up with. Things are coming at me in my mind at such a rapid fire speed I feel the only thing I can do to keep me from going completely nutso is shut it down.

What will that accomplish? Shutting the flow of thought down so that it clogs up my mind and boggles down my entire mental state. My head feels like the hoover dam. Holding back all that water and only allowing a trickle here and there to keep the power behind the dam in check so it doesn’t blow.

Finding the balance. My friend calls it “grace” that finds you and pulls you through the dark spots into the light so you can see and feel the joy around you. I think my “grace” comes to me in the morning. When I am the first one to get up and start waking everyone else up. My joy is in the faces of my children when they are just waking up and they have that faintest hint of a smile on their face. After they are headed down the driveway I get about 15 minutes to sit with a little something to eat and a cup of coffee before I have to get myself together. That is my happy time - in the morning, I have a similar time in the evening when we are all winding the day down. Putting the 6 year old to bed and reading books, getting the 14 year old showered and hanging out with her and the hubby in the living room before calling it a night.

I am the first one up… and the last one to bed. Every day. It is the beginning and the end of those days that I find that clarity and joy. Everything in between is a mess. That is what I need the help with … the mess in between.

I am going to see a professional that also specializes in hypnotism. Hoping she can clear the fogginess for me or at least show me how to clear it myself.  She will be my mental draino. She may teach me how to meditate or some other technique to help keep the clogged drains at bay. I don’t know what she is going to do but I am ready. 

I have come to the realization that there are times in life that outside help may be necessary to help get clarity and feel whole again. I think I need to just talk about things that I have never even spoken of out loud. Someone who doesn’t know me - just to listen to me completely DUMP out everything that is clogging my mind! I know part of this is probably brought on my hormone changes and other life/body changes that are inevitable for any woman. So, putting my big girl panties on… off I go!

The Thriller/ Mystery Beach Reads List

 OK – I did a list of chick lit for the summer. I can only take so much of that. I have to break it up with an occasional thriller. So here is my list of mystery/thrillers for the summer. I plan on reading more of these J They make great beach reads too! If you are looking for a nail biter this list is a good place to start!.

1 –       Blood Infernal – James Rollins

            This is the third (and I think final) installment of the Order of the Sanguines

            Series. I love this series.. little bit DaVinci Code, little bit of adventure.

2-        The Presidents Shadow – Brad Meltzer

            I love this guy! His books are wonderful. This is the third in the Culpeper Ring

            Series. They don’t have to be read in order – which is good because I haven’t read

            the second one.

3 -       Bone Labyrinth – James Rollins

            Another from one of my favorite authors… this is the latest installment of his

            Sigma Force series. Ahhh… Painter Crowe…

4 -       Crimson Shore – Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child

            I know this damn book doesn’t come out until November but I can’t hardly wait.

            This is the latest in the Agent Pendergast series. These books suck me in and I

            Can imagine myself tagging along with him!

(This is my next career... mobile beach reads)

5 -        The Girl on the Train – Paula Hawkins

            I actually just finished this one. This is a stand alone book with many twists and turns. Took               me about 100 pages to get my mind around the jumping back and forth present day to past.                 Once I got used to it the book was really good.

6-        The Girl in the Spiders Web - David Lagercrantz (Stieg Larsson)

            4^th installment in the Lisbeth Salander and Mikael Blomkvist series. While the

            Original author of the series has passed away I am eager to read the continuation

            Of their story.

7 -        Pretty Girls –Karin Slaughter

            This is not a series book. I love her two series (Grant County and Will Trent) and        

            Wish she would write another but I am eager to get this one in my hands. It

            Comes out September 29^th but is worth mentioning because I just love her        

            Books!

8 -       The Forgotten Room – Lincoln Child

            Reading this one now. Because I love their collaborations, I also love their solo

            Books! Lincoln Child – of the Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child (Agent Pendergast)                     books, is a fantastic thriller writer… I always read his solo books!

9 -       The Great Zoo of China – Matthew Reilly

            In the tradition of Jurassic Park, this book will be non stop action as all Reilly’s books are! I               do wish he would write another Jack West because I literally could not put them down!

10 -     The Patriot Threat – Steve Berry

            Another Cotton Malone series book… I do love these thrill rides mixed with

            Historical mystery!

Things I have Realized So Far This Summer

 1-      I am generally NOT a holiday person. My mother was not a holiday person. Her mother, my granny, was not a holiday person but she was a PARTY PLANNER extraordinaire. The difference you ask??? A holiday person plans holiday events for family, my grandmother planned big events, holiday or not, for people OTHER than family. If her country club wanted to throw a party for no apparent reason – she was first in line. Now if the entire family was gathering she was all over it... itineraries and activities for everyone. I am trying but I think it is the planning for a holiday that is so damn exhausting and makes me dread it!

 2-     Even if I wasn’t 46+ years old, I know I don’t have it in me to have another baby. My husband would love one, but he forgets how old his wife is… AND how old he is!! I just don’t have the energy it takes to get from age 0 to 4 when they start preschool. My sister was at the beach with her one year old and I was exhausted watching her! He is a sweet bugger though.

 3-     I am not a cook. I can’t walk into a kitchen like it is an episode of Chopped and throw something together out of what I find. If I did, I promise you, you wouldn’t eat it.

 4-     Apparently I am the keeper of EVERYTHING. When something is not directly in front of my three people (husband & 2 kids) they automatically assume I know where it is. The constant barrage of “where is this… where is that” is like nothing I have ever known. I can’t keep up with my own stuff for keeping up with all their stuff. Of course if I can’t find the damn thing it is because I moved it and can’t remember where I put it cause I am old.

 5-     Gay marriage and the Confederate Flag. Well, I am a firm believer in the separation of church and state. I am also a firm believer in rights for everyone. If the government wants to recognize gay marriage and make it a law, fine. All I have heard is people complaining about the religious implications. When your church starts to marry same sex couples then you have a platform for religion. I will not, repeat – will not, look at or treat someone differently because they are gay, trans this or trans that. We are all children of God and it is not my place to beat them with a bible or discriminate against them. OK , now for the confederate flag… I agree that it has been used as a symbol for hate by the KKK and other racist organizations. I also agree that it is a symbol of pride for southerners with deep family roots that go back centuries. For some it sings of a time gone by “gone with the wind” so to speak. For others it is a beacon of oppression and racism, I can see that too. I don’t mind taking that flag down from government buildings and monuments. I don’t agree with erasing the past, for it is why we are where we are today. Keep the flag on the General Lee and don’t cancel reruns of the show… what did Bo and Luke Duke ever do to anyone?  (that was a touch too much) We didn’t erase the Nazi flag.. you can buy that all day long on Amazon.com… but you can’t buy the confederate flag.

 6-     Furthermore, I know black lives matter. But I want someone to take it a step further and say ALL lives matter. Black, white, latino, Asian… all lives matter. We are all on this big blue marble together and equal in the eyes of our creator. Non specific… ALL LIVES MATTER.  

 7-     On a lighter note, I am a BIG SUV kinda gal. I had an Expedition for about 8 years. Loved it. But then it all of a sudden turned into a lemon so I traded it on a Ford Escape- that could fit in the back of that expedition. Well, that was too small… so I went middle of the road… and for the last 3 years I have had an Ford Explorer. We took that explorer on a 5 hour ride to West Virginia last summer and decided it was too small. So, off and on for the last year we have been looking for another large SUV. It took 9 months for me to pry my Ford loving husband away from an expedition and we bought a suburban last week. OMG that thing is gigantic! AND I LOVE IT. I can’t/won’t afford a brand new one so I had to get one that was a year old… but it has all the bells and whistles… and it is FABULOUS. My husband will get over the Chevrolet part.

 8-     I can still get a tan. It just takes FOREVER. But I have also noticed that my legs… from my knee to my ankle aren’t tanning like the rest of my body. That part of my body is going to need a Tan Towel or something. I think it is because that is where I shave my legs and I must be shaving the tan layer off. I use the same sunscreen everywhere and shaving is the only thing I do to that area. Has to be the reason. SO… no more shaving ! LOL … nah… I’ll get some self tanner because I have to match.

 9-     My house is usually a wreck…but so is every one else’s house! How refreshing to know that even though it is in a great neighborhood and the yard is manicured – there is one part or more than one part of that house that is a complete wreck. WOO HOO!!! I don’t feel so bad anymore. We are all in the same boat… too much to do and no time!

10-  I have not changed a lot in 6 years. Thanks to Facebook’s feature that shows me what I was doing on any particular day over the last 6 years, I see that my opinions haven’t changed, my pictures are just updated versions of what I have posted before and I haven’t really been anywhere other than New Orleans, Saints Training Camp in West Virginia or the beach. Nothing new and exciting… just rolling along. Except this year I am rolling with a tan!

It is the Summer of Chick Lit!!!

My Summer beach reading list.

Out of the 10 books on my list last year I actually read 7 of them. Not too bad.  So this year I am working on a list of trilogies, series as well as stand alone books. I am an obsessive series book reader. I love to see the progression and journey a character makes from one book to the next. I have even researched books that are part of a series and I have an ongoing list so I don’t forget them!

The theme this year is Chick Lit. Wonderful , inspirational, empowering and hilarious stories about women. Especially southern women…

So, my beach reads for this summer of 2015…which I have already started…

1-      Dorothy Benton Frank – Low Country Tales – 9 books in this series but they aren’t a true series with the same characters. Just a series because of the locations. Southern women in southern towns in the summer. Classic chic reads!

2-     The Devil in the Junior League – Linda Francis Lee – Hilarious!!

3-      The Sugar Queen – Sarah Addison Allen – Young southern women growing up and sprinkled with a little bit of magic

4-     Fried Green Tomatoes – Fannie Flagg – Never saw the movie so I am going to read this book everyone has raved about.

5-     The Color Purple – Alice Walker – I love this movie but have never read the book.

6-     Charlotte La Rue Mysteries – Barbara Colley –  8 in this series - A New Orleans housekeeper that always finds trouble – but she is always the one solving the mystery

7-     My House on First Street – Julia Reed – Her story of a new house in the Garden District just prior to Katrina.

8-    The Cousins War Series – Philippa Gregory – 5 books in the series - I love her writing and I watched the STARZ series The White Queen which was based on these books.

9-     Tradd Street Trilogy – Karen White – based in Charleston SC, little bit of mystery and love… a no brainer beach read

10- Low Country Summer Trilogy –Mary Alice Monroe- Sullivans Island SC a grandmother brings her granddaughters together for the summers.

This is my list of chick lit for the summer. Note there is no Nicholas Sparks or Danielle Steele… UGH!!!  I have another list of thriller, mysteries that I will post as alternate reads for the summer. Not sure I will get through all these with out having to have a good gory thriller in between!

Happy Reading Y’all!!!!

Trans What??

I think I finally figured out what bothered me so much about this “trans-racial” lady in the news. It isn't the fact that she identifies with the African American race…it is that she LIED about who she was to begin with.

People that are comparing her to Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner and other trans gender people are totally missing the point. Trans gender people don’t lie about who they are. They don’t lie about their birth gender or their parents. They are honest and open about who they are, how they were born into this world and how they feel. The world has become more accepting and therefore trans gender people are more comfortable being who they truly are. God Bless them because it can’t be easy.

What this woman did was deceptive, offensive and inexcusable. I don’t question her dedication to the NAACP or civil liberties. But why portray herself as a black/bi-racial woman? Why introduce a black man as her father when he is not related to her at all? Why do that to her hair??? (her real hair looks a lot like mine and I can’t imagine what she had to do to get it that curly) And it has to be a real pain in the butt to self tan or lay in a tanning bed as much as she has.  Just imagining what she had to do to alter appearance and maintain it is mind boggling.

I don’t doubt that she is dedicated to her job and her life’s work for civil liberties. And God Bless the NAACP for taking the high road and supporting her. But to lie to everyone about who she is… that is inexcusable. I don’t care if she identifies with the black race more than she does with any other… that is irrelevant. Could she not work for the NAACP or fight for civil liberties as a white woman? Would she not have been taken as seriously?  She lied about her past, who she is and who her parents are.

Her issues are more deeply rooted than “trans-racial”, and there is more to this family dynamic than we have been told. I’m a mid 40’s white woman and it pissed me off. And what pisses me off more is that she is getting the “trans” sympathy of the world now. It’s crap. Trans gender people are brutally honest about who they are… she is not. Where is Al Sharpton and his mouth? Why isn’t every non-white person in America ticked off? She is a liar and a deceiver. Someone needs to call it like it is. 

Victims of Society

When I was 7, living in Naples, Florida most of my after school playmates were retired wives over the age of 50. We did our nails and planted flowers, rode our bicycles and played tennis. Remembering how old I thought they were, it is hard to believe that my grandmother was only 5 years older than I am today. She would take me to the beach club, leave me there to the lifeguards and tennis coaches and go golfing for the afternoon. I spent a lot of time at that beach club and I loved it there.

 The only friend I remember having my own age was a girl named Alexis. I remember a residential construction site close to my grandmother’s house and we would play in those piles of dirt until it the sun was going down. Seems like there was a little boy too but I can’t remember his name. We got so dirty digging holes and making dirt pile furniture so we could play house.

I adored Alexis. Her name sounded like royalty to me and she had, what appeared to me, a fairy tale existence. She actually lived in Port Royal, she wasn’t a visitor like me. She didn’t go to public school and she was, in my little mind, perfect.  I didn’t just adore her as my friend but wished I could be like her.  It was my first real case of envy.As much as a 7 year old can envy another, I envied Alexis.

All of a sudden one day she wouldn’t play with me. I even looked her up in the Port Royal black and white directory and called her one day. I don’t know who I spoke to but they told me that she was busy or not home … and they told me not to call back. My feelings were hurt and I didn’t understand. For all I know it was a housekeeper that I talked to, not a parent. Either way, it was the first time that I can remember feeling inferior. I took it very personally that she couldn’t be my friend. And the sad part is 40 years later I still remember that feeling so vividly.

Quite honestly it may have had nothing at all to do with me. My grandmother was knee deep to a grasshoppers ass in Port Royal Club politics. At one time she was president and ruled the kingdom for a year. This is Martha we are talking about and she could be quite the bitch when she wanted to be. For all I know she pissed off this girls parents and that was the end of my being friends with her. But the 7 year old in me just knew it was because I wasn’t worthy. The first shot to my self esteem and I didn’t even know what that was.  I was not from Naples, I went to public school and rode the bus, I didn’t actually live in Port Royal, at the time my mother was a single parent, I spent my time with my grandparents or aimlessly wandering around the beach club or biking around the neighborhood. I had a southern accent and, at the time, spoke fluent Arabic. I was a hodge- podge of a child and really didn’t fit in anywhere.

My brief friendship with her crosses my mind from time to time. She probably doesn’t remember me at all. When I think of her I wonder about her life and how everything turned out for her. So as I was sitting on my deck this past weekend, I don’t know what made me think of her, but I picked up the iPad and googled her name… And there she was.  Beautiful Alexis. Her parents moved from Naples and bought a vineyard in Napa, California. There she runs the marketing and advertising – and she is a genius. She has a blog on the website too, which really warmed my heart…kindred spirits we are… and she is living the fairy tale life. God Bless her.

After reading some about her parents and how they met (they were on a blind date arranged by friend Lilly Pulitzer!!!) and their successful winery, I realize now, as I did then, we are from different worlds. I probably couldn’t run in her world and she probably wouldn’t want to run in mine. But the older we get the less that matters.  Childhood friends are the exception to the social boundary rules. I think it is because children don’t see those boundaries until they are shown by adults.

I guess the moral of the story is we never forget childhood friends, no matter how brief the contact. Each person impacts your life in ways you don’t realize and everything you do, everyone you have been in contact with over the course of your life has made you who you are today.

I am going to order some wine from their Vineyard. Just for shits and giggles. I am going to take it to the beach with me… and sit in my chair, toast my friend and reminisce about my cherished time in Naples.  

I raise my glass to you  -  Alexis …You go girl!

The Names Have Been Omitted to Protect the Guilty

I have to stop for a moment and acknowledge something that made me feel pretty good yesterday.

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook:

After going over the list several times… and I mean several times because I thought I was not adding correctly which would not be a surprise… I only came up with a total of $120.

So I went over it one last time just to be sure… yep… $120.

Before I posted my total I looked at all the responses of the people I went to high school with and thought I needed to go back and take one last look at the list and get my calculator out to make sure I got mine right. Yep… $120.

So, I posted my total. And of course everyone responded that I was full of it and they were calling bullshit.  Nope… $120 my friends… and HA! The things I was notorious for just happened to not be on that list. If they had then you all would have looked like a bunch of saints. I mean seriously… if things like dancing on a bar, crawling across a gravel parking lot to get to a pay phone and NOT tearing my hose, double booking dates, double booking boyfriends, cutting school and getting away with it, sneaking out of the house and rolling your car down the driveway in neutral before you started it, staying out all night and sneaking back in the house had been on that list I would never be able to pay that total!

So the way I see it … My total for this list may have been low… but I had a GOOD TIME!!!!

I was a lover –not a fighter :)

(even though it appears all my friends were a bunch of criminals! HA HA HA)

I am pleasantly surprised at some of the people that had a bigger total than me!

Just for good measure I added it up again... with a calculator... $120 . 

Love y’all anyway! 

Life. Is. Good

Life. Is. Good.

It really is. No matter how you look at it, life is still good.

And I am saying this on probably one of the worst weeks I have had in a year.

LIFE. IS. STILL. GOOD.    

           

And I am going to end this worst week the best way possible…with my feet in the water (no matter how cold it is) , my face into the sunshine and a good book (a real paper book) in my hands.

And here is another word for you… HOPE.

Hope that things will always get better.

Hope that they cant get much worse.

Hope that we wake up another day.

Hope for our children.

Hope for our health.

Hope that we live this life we have been given the best way we know how. Knowing all the while that we are imperfect and that is ok.

Life is good and with a little hope it can get better… because the good  lord won’t put any more on you than you can bear… but he sure can bend you double sometimes.

So,gather yourself up by your bootstraps, put your big girl panties on, turn your face to the sunshine and hold your head high because you are a unique, beautiful and fabulous child of God. And he loves us in spite of ourselves. It helps to have some wine to go with your big girl panties....

I am Stuck in an Episode of Seinfeld

As I was putting on my makeup this morning I realized that this week could have been a fabulous episode of Seinfeld. And I am Elaine. Just remember… Elaine worked for

J. Peterman … her job was a writer and she was responsible for the descriptions of items in the J. Peterman catalog.  

So then, picture this… I am not writing a catalog, I am writing a menu.  This isn’t my trip down the menu  highway. I have had to design and put together three different restaurants ever changing menus.  I would much rather have to write vivid descriptions of hiking boots than 7 different steaks. 

But I sat there in my “menu meeting” reading the old and trying to come up with the new and noticed there were two rib-eyes on the menu. One was a “bone-in” rib eye and the other was obviously no bone. Here I am in a room with 2 other men… and I couldn’t help myself, I had to ask this question… and then explain why I am asking it…

Why am I paying $6 more for a
“bone in” rib eye
as opposed to the alternative without the bone? What the hell am I supposed to do with a $6 bone?  Both men looked at me like I had just sprouted another head. Confused, bewildered, speechless is what they were. And finally one says… “are you kidding me??”

Well, no, genius… I am not kidding you… why would I spend $6 more dollars for a bone I am not going to eat… if I ate here once a week for an entire year and put that $6 in my pocket I could have a new DOONEY after a year… and I never kid about my Dooneys.

And here is the MAN answer… The bone is for the flavor… more flavor with the bone.

Well I am already getting the most flavorful steak on the menu, I am not concerned with a bone. And what are all you Neanderthals going to do … sit around and gnaw your bone in a fine restaurant??

So I get home and ask my husband the very same question… I get the astonished look and the MAN answer… the bone is for the flavor.

They missed the whole point of my question …my point was… if you offer a bone in rib eye … at 18 ounces.. don’t offer the same size without the bone. Offer a smaller size without the bone or you will get the stupid question .

Every man missed that point… they thought I didn’t know what the bone was for... Lawd Help ME!

Changes and Adjusting My Sails

A known fact of life is that change is inevitable. If there is one thing that my honey always gives me a hard time about is that I am so resistant to change. I know this. I like everything in order and routine. Unless of course I decide to change it, then I am ready and open to a change.

Here is where I am going with this, more so than any other grandchild, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents at their home in Naples, Florida. I loved it there. I would spend weeks there in the summer or spring break. We did a lot of fun things but the most fun I had was when they would drop me off at the Port Royal Club for the day. Everyone that worked there knew who I was so I guess I had a staff of built in babysitters. All I had to do was sign for my meals and whatever else I wanted. I was grown up (along with a few other kids) and had run of the place all day every day. Glorious!!! If I close my eyes I can still go back there. The white sand private beaches and the Olympic size pool by the sea. Grill to order hamburgers with Charles Chips for lunch and a seafood buffet on Friday night that was worthy of royalty with ice sculptures and piles of shrimp and lobster tails a mile high.

The streets of her neighborhood were immaculate, lined with palm trees and perfectly maintained yards. Every home in her neighborhood was on the water. Canals were dug off the intercostal waterway at Gordon Pass and every house had a boat docked. Some were small yachts and some were retired folk fishing boats. The concept of this development was based on pirates. Port Royal – a haven for pirates in the Caribbean for about 200 years. Blackbeard loved it. All the streets are named accordingly… Galleon Drive, Gin Lane, Rum Row, Kingstown Drive and so on. The main entrance was directly across from the club, down Kingstown Drive and her street was Gin Lane. I would say her house was about a mile from the entrance. When I was about 8 years old and living in Naples, I would take the bus to Granny’s house after school. For some reason the school bus was not allowed to go into the neighborhood so they would drop me off at the entrance. Granny was supposed to be waiting for me in the car … but most of the time she wasn’t there. Probably because she wasn’t used to that chore and forgot. So I would get off the bus and walk to her friends house which was much closer and actually across the channel from her house. Mr. & Mrs. Bee would always be home and welcome their young visitor with cookies and milk. Granny would come get me whenever she took a notion to or they would drive me to her house when they had to go somewhere. That is when Granny had the genius idea of providing me with my own mode of transportation… a bicycle. She would make my grandfather take it to the entrance when he went walking and park it behind a palm tree so when I got off the bus I wouldn’t bother her friends because I was too lazy to walk a mile to her house. And that eliminated the need for her to remember to pick me up. I think I may have been the first latch key kid in that neighborhood. If they weren’t home I would climb over the small wall between the garage and the laundry room and there was a key under the mat to that door. I loved it when they weren’t home because I would help myself to the bread box or pantry which always had an ample supply of goldfish. Like they wouldn’t know who ate them. I treasure my time in Naples. It is the one part of my childhood I look back on and smile about. I remember it from when I was 4 or 5 years old on up into my early 30’s. My last visit there I was 30 years old and probably about 2-3 months pregnant with my daughter. No one knew I was pregnant and I wasn’t about to broadcast it on that visit. I remember having such terrible back pain and spasms. I had pulled something years earlier and it would act up from time to time and this time I was miserable. While we were there my aunt decided we should go to the club and get a massage. I don’t know who that sweet woman was that worked on me but she fixed my back. And when I say she fixed my back I mean that 15 years since, almost to the day, I have not had a back ache. God Bless her.  

About 6 years later, it was time to sell the house and move Granny to NC so we could have her closer for the remainder of her time with us. When my mother went to move her and deal with the sale of the house I called her and told her she better go to the store and get some new knobs for the kitchen cabinets and bring me the ones that have been in that house since the 70’s. That was the one thing I wanted from there. The cabinet knobs were beans, corn and such inside the knob with resin. I loved them. And they are on my cabinets in my house today.  Every time I look at them it takes me right back to my granny’s kitchen, overlooking the water with the palm trees swaying in the breeze. Most people buying homes in her area were buying the old “florida style” homes for the lot and tearing them down to build GIANT gazillion dollar homes. The people that bought the house wanted to keep it as it was and because of that they took less than ask price.

Ok – where am I going with this walk down memory lane??

This past Friday afternoon I was looking online at the news and there was an article that listed the 15 most expensive streets in the country. Coming from a family of real estate brokers, I decided to read it thinking there might be one in North Carolina. To my amazement, as I am scrolling down the list I see Nelson’s Walk which I knew was in her neighborhood. So I google it to see where it was in relation to her house…right around the corner. So, the natural progression with the help of google maps I went to look at her house. Typed in her address and it showed me an empty lot. No way. So I go up and down the street… and google her address again… empty lot. Then I notice the feature to go back several years to the last time it was mapped and see what it looked like. BINGO. 

There was her house… in 2007. 

 In 2014 it was gone.

Open another tab to realtor.com… house had been sold in 2013 and apparently the person who bought it is building a $14 million home on it. By the time it is done I bet there will be enough grass to cut with a pair of scissors.

I have to confess, what I saw took my breath away and swallowed me in a fog of sadness. Pieces of what made me who I am are vanishing along with the people I love so dearly. My Aunt is the only person left from that part of my life. So, some things change and some things don’t. But in life that is the one thing we can count on… change. I guess I need to adjust my sails for the changes ahead in my life. They are coming. Until then I shall enjoy the moments, treasure them, breathe them in deeply and cherish them because they will be gone in the blink of an eye.

Live every day as if it could be your last and you will regret nothing. 

April Showers and All That

One year ago yesterday I had the last conversation I would ever have with my mother.

I didn’t know at the time it was going to be our last conversation. I knew we were in trouble, I knew we were facing odds that were insurmountable in so many ways. What I didn’t know was that we wouldn’t even get the chance to fight that fight and that my last words with her would be just that… my last words with her…. about my new haircut.

It has been the hardest year of my life. Sometimes the sadness comes at me like a tidal wave triggered by a song on the radio or something so funny that I can only think about calling her and telling her about it. But I can’t.  My poor 5 year old is cautious of even mentioning her because he doesn’t want to see me cry. He will say “don’t cry ok mommy?” Which only makes it that much harder not to cry.  As time has moved on I can hold back the tears a little better because I don’t want him not to talk about her or remember her. I want my kids to remember how wonderful she was and how proud she was to be their grandmother. I hope I can keep that alive for them. I know they feel close to her when we go to the beach. They talk about her a lot more when we are there as opposed to when we are at home and we look forward to that time so much.

I had never experienced a loss like I did when she passed. And sometimes in my weaker moments I am afraid that dealing with losing her was only a stepping stone or a learning experience to be able to deal with an even bigger loss in the future. As if the universe is telling me …”see?, you can do it… you can grieve and mourn and come out on the other side because time is your friend and time heals”.

I am more grateful for the little things now … because as they say… looking back I will see they were the big things.  

**BREATHE**

It is Springtime again and time for everything to grow and bloom.

I am ready for that sun to shine on my soul and make me feel alive!

That is me.... doing my happy dance...

Live. Laugh. Love.

Funny thing… inspiration comes from the most unexpected places and when it is least expected. I started writing my blog about a year ago. My try to keep my entries short so if someone decides to take their precious time and read it they aren’t there more than a few minutes. I mainly write about things going on in my life or things I see and hear through friends and news. But the biggest reason I write is to get what is in my head – OUT. I hope that people can identify with some things and find other things funny or inspirational.

 But I had an experience today that blew me away. (If you are reading this – you know who you are) Someone actually read one of my blogs and took time out of their day to tell me that they read it, enjoyed it and thought I was a talented writer. I have a handful of close friends that read what I write but there have been almost 8000 visits to my blog so someone other than my small circle of friends is reading it and I was GIDDY!

It warmed my heart to think that in some way my writing made this person happy. I don’t know what inspired them to reach out to me and tell me but I am grateful. I am grateful for the little compliments and hopeful they continue on their path to happiness. Sometimes the pieces don’t fall into place the way we want them to but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try and keep trying. Because that is all we humans want – to be loved and to be happy. Never give up on finding either of those two things. And as humans we feel the entire range of emotion that no other living being can feel. From the depths of despair and loss of all hope there is always something to cling to that will pull us to the other side. The opposite of despair is hope and the opposite of dark is light but sometimes you have to look for the good just a little harder because the bad is so much easier to believe. And a little bit of love and caring can go a hell of a long way to someone that doesn’t have any in their lives.

Live. Laugh. Love.

Because we all deserve it! 

Mid Life and Priorities

I just read in the NY Times where Angelina Jolie made another cancer preventive decision and had her ovaries and Fallopian tubes removed. It wasn’t too long ago she had a double mastectomy. Bless her. For a woman, a celebrity too, it has to be a monumental and frightening decision. But for a mother who is determined to do what she can to be there for her children, it is a no brainier. I would do the same thing.

If someone told me that I was a high risk for breast cancer or even if there was a spot on my mammogram that was questionable… take them both. I will buy some more that look better. I have no vanity when it comes to staying on this earth for my children. Same rationale goes for any of my parts. I am not concerned about an ovary, uterus, boobs or anything that may harbor a deadly cancer. If I tested high risk for any of those cancers I have no problem letting them go. And I know how Angelina feels. There comes a time when you know you need to be around for someone else. This life is not about you anymore. It isn’t the fear of cancer or dying that drives us to make these decisions. It is the fear of leaving this world before our children are grown. It is our maternal instinct to protect our young that guides and drives us in our daily existence.

In my family, my genetic weakness is not a cancer. The weakness in my family comes from alcohol. Apparently we carry the code for a weak liver. Well, that is not an organ I can live without so the only thing I can do is keep that sucker detoxed and clean. I used to enjoy a glass or two of wine on the weekends but even now, when there are at least 4 bottles of my favorite wine sitting in the pantry, I think twice about it. I know that an occasional glass of wine is good for me. But that doesn’t keep me from second guessing myself when I do decide to have one. The repercussions of over indulgence haunt me. They nag me from the back of my mind. Just like a cartoon when the warning lights and sirens start to go off, I am keenly aware of my own family history and how my actions can make me another victim of my own genetic code.

So here I am in my mid 40’s realizing that I am not the center of my world. My little family is what I revolve around. Both my husband and I make our two children the center of our universe and we rarely do anything without them. And that is what I have come to realize…. when we begin to live for something or someone other than ourselves we consider life more fragile and therefore take better care of ourselves and those closest to us. 

With age and wisdom comes selflessness. As we get older, the people we have known all our lives start passing away, we have to acknowledge that our time is short and we need to make the best of it. Cherish the ones you love and make sure to take care of yourself so you don’t leave them too soon. God gave us free will to choose how we live our lives. The human body can weather the storms of the occasional bad decision but it is our responsibility to take care of this vessel we have been given to the best of our ability. If not for ourselves then for those we love.

Live long and prosper my friends! 

The Downside of Technology

I saw something on the news this morning and it made me think about how much this world we live in has changed. They were talking about the Apple Watch and the research that had been done for two years creating the watch. And that it would revolutionize healthcare because of the way it could help track exercise, vital signs and overall fitness.

I fear, while we are trying to make life better, we are also making our world smaller. Literally and figuratively. I cant imagine my world on the screen of an apple watch. I have a hard enough time seeing the screen of my iPad without my glasses.We are making ourselves completely self contained. With all our electronics we have created a life where we don’t need any human interaction. We can do just about everything all by ourselves. Provided you don’t have children you don’t have to see or talk to another human if you don’t want to. We can order anything we need online and have it delivered… including groceries. Pay our bills online. We can stream all the newest movies and video games. We can now do all our social interaction online all from the comfort of our home. We don’t have to go to church because the preacher will come to you … over the internet or TV. I admit I am the worst for most of these things but for me it is the convenience factor. I don’t have the time to do most of these things in person because I am busy going here and there with two kids.

*** NOTE*** Epiphany Moment***

It seems we are taking the humanity out of being human. When my children were young I could have been a stay at home mom and isolated them but it was important to me that they learn how to interact with other kids their age. I could have put them both in a private school full of kids just like them but I felt I was depriving them of learning how to function in a diverse society. The world isn’t just like them and they need to understand that. I want them to know people will look different and believe different from them and that is ok. Because when they grow up they may leave the confines of their little bubble and boy they will see some different things! (epiphany moment is over)

I miss the days when we had to actually go visit with our friends. There is something to be said for quality time and interaction with other people.  Now we just text or facebook them. I get more of it now that my daughter is playing several sports and it is with new people. My own personal close friends are the ones that I don’t get to interact with and I miss that. Once again, I find myself wishing my life away for the weekend and before I know it I am looking at Monday morning which is 5 more days away from the next weekend. And I always end up wondering why it was only two days and what the hell did I accomplish?? I have to fix that… maybe a time management app… NAH.

 

Above all technology has made me miss books. I really really miss books. I miss turning pages. I miss the smell of a library book. I ran out of space for books and bought a NOOK about 6 years ago. It doesn’t smell like a book. And it certainly doesn’t read or feel like a book. It will simulate turning a page but it is not the same. In this electronic world I can honestly say that a real book is what I miss the most. I don’t miss shopping, I don’t miss banking, running errands or even chatting on the phone. I miss a real book. To the right is a picture of my happy place... if I had a spare closet... this is what I would do...

And I can’t imagine an apple watch can fix that. 

Its all in the Trying

There are so many things I try to do on a daily basis. Sometimes it is more difficult than others but every day is a struggle to be the best me, put my best out there, think kind thoughts and so on.  I almost always wake up happy. Happy to hear the clock, happy to roll to my right knowing I will see a soundly sleeping 5 year old little piece of sunshine, happy that when I go from the bed to the bathroom it is just a matter of seconds before a little black dog noses her way in to greet me and then tell me to hurry up so I can let her outside to do the same.

I have a morning routine that is comforting in a way. Dogs, husband, children and at some point I manage to get myself ready and off the baby and I go to kindergarten and the rest of my day. Funny though the end of my day is much like the beginning but in reverse. Before I go to bed I end up putting Children, husband and dogs to sleep before my own head hits the pillow. Last one down … and the first one up. And so we begin another day.

I know I have complained about the weather and how wet and gloomy it has been since before Christmas. It has been so miserable for so long that we all must feel like bears coming out of our hibernation caves when the sun finally came out this past weekend. It was glorious! The Bradford Pear trees are all of a sudden full of blooms and this weekend is the equinox so spring is here and there is no turning back!

Hallelujah!

So here we all are… trying. Trying to get through the winter of all winters, trying to trudge through another week without wishing our lives away for the weekends of warmer weather. Trying to enjoy every moment on this big blue marble before our time is up. And even though there are things that need to be done, most of the time they can wait if there is some other thing you need to be doing… like playing with kids or basking in the warm sunshine. I promise you, you will be glad you did because you cant get those sweet moments back and no one really cares if the house hasn’t been vacuumed. 

It’s all about the trying. Trying to live our lives to the fullest and at the same time not miss out on the little things that make it all worth living!